Book Summary By Bud Roth

Crucial Conversations
By: Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny,
Ron McMillan and Al Switzler

There are many times in our lives when critical moments are confronting us. At these times we have choices: take action or live with the consequences of not saying or doing anything. The first real choice we may be making when confronting a challenging conversation is “Am I going to control my life or let someone else control it?” Frequently we are not immediately conscious of these choices, but we will eventually face the consequences of our choices.

Crucial Conversations provides the rationale, wisdom and actions for choosing the appropriate approach to necessary conversations. Basically, when we are stuck and know something is wrong or out of synch, there is a conversation we need to initiate. We must look first at ourselves. We need to decide what we really want in order that we don’t make “sucker choices”. This is just a process of being clear about our purpose and then doing the right thing.

Too often we take some ugly choices. We may attack an issue by attacking others. We may avoid the issue that may create bad decisions or relationships. We may pretend that things will work out. Stop and ask ourselves: “What do I really want for myself? What do I really want for others? What do I really want for the relationship? How would I behave if I really wanted these results?” These answers help us slow down, take control of what we can control and do the right thing.

We need to take the initiative to create a safe environment for crucial conversations. As people begin to feel unsafe, they start down one of two unhealthy paths. They move either to silence (withholding meaning) or to violence (trying to force meaning). Silence consists of any act to purposefully withhold information from the “pool” of meaning. Other forms of silence are: Masking consists of understating or selectively showing our true opinion. Avoiding involves steering completely away from sensitive subjects. Withdrawing means pulling out of conversation altogether.

Violence consists of any verbal strategy that attempts to convince, control, or compel others to your point of view. Other types of violence are: Controlling consists of coercing others to your way of thinking. Labeling is putting a label on people or ideas so we can dismiss them under a general stereotype or category. Attaching is attacking.

With this background and awareness let’s get more constructive. Let’s take responsibility to create a safe place for the conversation we’ve decided to hold by: Establishing mutual purpose to move toward a common outcome. Maintain mutual respect or the dialogue will stop. Start with an apology of…misunderstanding, assuming, stubbornness etc. Use a contrasting comment. e.g. “I don’t want you to think I don’t care about …, but I do want you to know how you impacted me with your actions by…” In other words state “I don’t want…I do want…”

As the conversation progresses we need to start agreeing with our mutual purpose, recognize the purpose behind a strategy, brainstorm new strategies and agree on each other’s actions as you move forward

Taking initiative to have a crucial conversation usually is surrounded by many emotions. Don’t let ourself be the victim or the villain. Don’t let the stories we tell ourselves get in the way of approaching the journey to discover the truth, reality and win-win outcomes. Here is a method of acting on your emotions in an unemotional manner:
• Share the facts and observations you know about.
• Tell your story of how the issue impacts you, others and maybe the business.
• Ask to hear the other person’s story of how they see this issue and impact.
• Talk in a constructive manner to discover possibilities to move forward to achieving a mutual purpose.
• Encourage testing the ideas and action and agree on the next steps and individual commitments.

Be careful, don’t try to win. Stay open to other ideas. Focus on the path to action. Support your agreements.

As the conversation progresses we want to encourage the free flow of meaning to move ahead. Here are ways to maintain the flow:
• Ask. Start by simply expressing interest in the other person’s views.
• Mirror. Increase safety by respectfully acknowledging the emotions people appear to be feeling.
• Paraphrase. Restate what you’ve heard to show your understanding and maintain safety.
• Prime (the pump). State your best guess at what they may be thinking and feeling. Use you intuition    and say what you are feeling or thinking.
• Agree. Agree when you do and say so.
• Build. If others leave something out, agree where you do, then build.
• Compare. When you do differ significantly, don’t suggest others are wrong. Compare your two views    openly.

Before the conversation ends, make a decision on the next actions. Who? Does what? By when? How to follow-up?

Summary:
When we are stuck in some way, it is time to hold a conversation. Look at ourselves first to check our behavior and stories. Take action to hold an unemotional conversation, but be sure everyone expresses how they feel. Use some structure for the conversation. Listen and be engaged in a mutually beneficial actions and outcome. Always, always maintain mutual respect. Take the path to action, decide and move forward.

Roth Consulting Group can provide training, coaching and mentoring in this important area of holding necessary conversations. Call us for more information.  317-843-9521

Roth Counsulting Group, LLC
5914 Silas Moffitt Way, Suite A, Carmel IN 46033
ph: 317-843-9521 webmaster@rothcg.com

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